In relationships, there's this common denominator nicknamed chemistry, which is simply being congruous, or having harmony between two parties or a group. And since I'm severely prone to being extra argumentative, I have accepted the fact that this lame harmony thing is like oil to my water. We just can't jive.
That's why I don't have a best friend. I have countless friends, a favorite cousin, a 7-pc barkada, and a gay childhood friend who I call my bff, just for the sake of it. But none of them is truly my best friend. I had one once, but I eventually lost her because of my being possessive. Since then, I have feared engaging myself in a very convenient friendship, for fear that my ways couldn't resist the urge to argue again.
Same thing with family. If I get myself into a domestic squabble, even if I'd always want to quickly get out of it, I'd impetuosly draw more anger into it, and inadvertently end up being hurt and hurting them too. It's even scary how obloquious the arguments become, when all you initially wanted was just to explain yourself. And you still end up always misunderstood.
And don't you just know it when a certain person doesn't like you, even if you've only met once, or even if it's just another random stranger you crossed path with in the blogging world. Your guts just tell you when you're being annoying, although you know you couldn't be nicer, and had done nothing to offend them or their individuality.
Thank God that there are still people who choose to stick by me, and I'm no less than glad. I still don't think I'm that difficult of a person. I may be bitchy, but difficult? Overstatement. Hell, I even go out of my way just to be sincerely friendly, generous and forgiving, even if it means swallowing my monster pride. So the fact that I'm not likeable enough, and that there are still people who perceive me degradingly, somehow worries me. And it's quite pathetic that all I can do about it is swear, sometimes cry, and be my old pissed self.
I know this sounds like a Seventeen letter from a struggling highschooler, but whatever. I just had to get it off my chest. Damn, am I infuriated these past few days or what. Umm. I think I'm gonna need a beer. Now if you'll excuse me...