Thursday, December 14, 2006

1 vs. 100

In relationships, there's this common denominator nicknamed chemistry, which is simply being congruous, or having harmony between two parties or a group. And since I'm severely prone to being extra argumentative, I have accepted the fact that this lame harmony thing is like oil to my water. We just can't jive.

That's why I don't have a best friend. I have countless friends, a favorite cousin, a 7-pc barkada, and a gay childhood friend who I call my bff, just for the sake of it. But none of them is truly my best friend. I had one once, but I eventually lost her because of my being possessive. Since then, I have feared engaging myself in a very convenient friendship, for fear that my ways couldn't resist the urge to argue again.

Same thing with family. If I get myself into a domestic squabble, even if I'd always want to quickly get out of it, I'd impetuosly draw more anger into it, and inadvertently end up being hurt and hurting them too. It's even scary how obloquious the arguments become, when all you initially wanted was just to explain yourself. And you still end up always misunderstood.

And don't you just know it when a certain person doesn't like you, even if you've only met once, or even if it's just another random stranger you crossed path with in the blogging world. Your guts just tell you when you're being annoying, although you know you couldn't be nicer, and had done nothing to offend them or their individuality.

Thank God that there are still people who choose to stick by me, and I'm no less than glad. I still don't think I'm that difficult of a person. I may be bitchy, but difficult? Overstatement. Hell, I even go out of my way just to be sincerely friendly, generous and forgiving, even if it means swallowing my monster pride. So the fact that I'm not likeable enough, and that there are still people who perceive me degradingly, somehow worries me. And it's quite pathetic that all I can do about it is swear, sometimes cry, and be my old pissed self.

I know this sounds like a Seventeen letter from a struggling highschooler, but whatever. I just had to get it off my chest. Damn, am I infuriated these past few days or what. Umm. I think I'm gonna need a beer. Now if you'll excuse me...


Elaine said...

Aw. Your entry actually got me thinking about my friends. I just think it's a good thing that you know who you are as a person, and that's a huge start.

Keep yourself in holiday mood forever! I envy you. I wish I could do that. And try watching VM! Haha. It's really fun. :D

Tani said...

it's your blog and you can say whatever you want. :) don't ever change 'cause others find you interesting just the way you are.

Jen said...

It really is difficult to find persons who can really accept you for who you are. Even a lifetime isn't enough to search for those kinds of people. Let's just feel lucky if we happen to find a few souls who can stick with us thru whatever.

ice_edge said...

We cannot possibly befriend everyone, likewise, not everyone can befriend us. Although i must admit, having someone look at you degradingly (as you put it) or worse, hate me, is something i can't easily get over with, not to mention making me want to squeeze the living crap out of that person. I guess the cliche "you can't please everyone" applies here.

However, you are who you are, and I'm positive a lot of people accept you for that. Don't feel bad about it too much. Cheer up. :)

Kai said...

Listen to Christmas songs, it helps. :P

Aw. Thank you!

Yeah, buti na lang friend kita, hehe.

You just can't help but cringe in irate and frustration, right? But you're right. To hell with them haters, no? ;)

chase said...

I agree to what Tani said.

Before I never had a bestfriend but I have countless friends as well. But now since I came here in Norway. I found people that became close to me and in even awkward situations.

Anyway, you are not difficult probably bitchy but I find bitch to be a compliment.

Anyway, hope you have a nice weekend dear and to those stupid people ruining your mood just give them a finger.

shai said...

i read your comment on Elaine's latest post. bakla, hawaan mo nga ako. hindi ko maramdaman ang christmas, di kaya long lost father ko si Grinch? hehehhe

ako naman, one thing i noticed sa mga ex bestfriends ko (3 sila), laging nagkakaroon ng competition. hindi naman ako nagsisimula, pero siguro hindi ko lang napapansin kasi nga baka competitive din ako without me knowing. yun lagi yung nagiging cause for us to drift apart. hindi ko ma take ang competition

aCey said...

ate kai!!! i'm so glad to find your new ad/blog... i've tried looking for you when i resurrected my blog, but unfortunately, i didn't. anyway, i hope you're fine and that you'll be okay... please take care of yourself and don't get too drunk just because of people who hurt you consciously and unconsciously... ^_^ 'looking forward to exchanging stories with you again! ^_^

p.s.: thank you for visiting my blog... i linked you up again. add me up, too, please. hehe. God bless you, ate kai!

aCey said...

thank you, ate kai! ^_^

jassy said...

hi! you can't please everybody so it's better to be yourself while reaching out once in a while.

have a nice day!

Jajey said...

that's all right.. im quite possessive as well..hehehe..

thanks for stopping by!

Laureen said...

i find it odd that someone would regard you difficult, kai. sure, we haven't actually met, but you definitely seem like someone easy to get along with.

but hey, whoever bothers you, let them be. it's their loss making that conclusion about you.