Saturday, March 31, 2007

Foolish Butt

I promise I have an excuse for the recent lag. I have been experiencing extreme nausea and inexplicably constant vomitting over the past few days that I had to take further notice than usual.

I went to our physician and she inquired about my personal activities that led to her hypothesis that I might be sporting a bump (the inflating kind) in the near future. I was shocked. Speechless. Knocked out. Totally flabbergasted. How in the world did I get myself pregnant? As I rewind.

I dated this guy for about 8 weeks before the last year ended. It was brief. So brief that I could barely remember his last name. Or if he was the one who had a silver stud down there. (Man, this was supposed to be a serious narration!) But anyway, we broke up sooner than expected, as I quickly reverted back to enjoying my rejuvenated social life. Just days after my birthday, I was set up by a friend with this mesmeric fratboy from Austin, and we clicked right off the bat. He had mad guitar skills, an enticing sense of humor, and was terribly attractive that only an idiot would pass up the chance of sleeping on those provocative biceps of his. And of course, I fell. Orgasmically. Again.

My predicament not only includes the jeopardy of my inheritance ('coz my parents WILL disown me), but as well as the interminable pause of my studies AND... brace yourselves... the real father of this baby. Yes, you heard that right. I have no idea what hestas-judas-barabas fathered my child. I don't even know how to drag them to my front and inform them that either one would be responsible for buying me some milk and diapers. Like I am seriously clueless. As in no clue at all...

This is no laughing matter, but isn't it just ludicrous how I AM now entangled in the exact same situation as those girls on noontime television?? I mean, I would think so low of them before because they would sleep with different men in a short span of time, not being wholly aware of the irresponsible hobby's repercussions, and now I am one of them!!! What the fuck was I thinking?!! Never, in my wildest imagination, have I seen myself pleading for DNA help through Maury Povich, and hearing the dreadful phrase, "You are not the father!" But I'm afraid I'm on the right track. Without a babydaddy, and a face plastered with embarrassment everytime my episode replays.

Man, I need help. And sanity. And sleep. And forgiveness. And laughs. I think I'm celebrating a little too early (as always). It's yet an hour 'til my labor, but I'll start screaming anyway...



Gotcha! :P

19 comments:

jassy said...

sabi ko na nga ba eh...hehe

Jennie said...

OMG! you really got me! Hahahahahaha! Half way through the entry I was already forming my comment. That was good! :D

Vayie said...

Dammit, Kai! You are so mean...so so mean! I was thinking to myself when I was reading your blog: "Virgin pa ito eh, virgin pa ito eh...I'm sure I read it in one of her posts!" Ü

You got me there.

Talamasca said...

Too bad I always bring my world-renowned "April Fool's Day Defense Kit" with me. But erh, nice try! *pats Kai on the back* ;-p

Ann said...

This works on gullible people. Like me. haha.

Too bad I spoiled everything by scrolling down before reading everything.

Good one though, one of the best AF entries I've read in a while. :)

Mone said...

Hahahahahaha, THAT was a GOOD one!!!!!

TrueJerseyGirl said...

See that's not really fair since this is my first time here and for all I know, you COULD be the type of girl to get knocked up by a guy with mad guitar skills.

Kai said...

Jassy
I was hoping nobody remembered my pranks the past couple of years, but dang! You got some sharp space up there! :(

Jennie
Hihihi. ;)

Vayie
HAHA, thanks for reminding me of the TMI :))

Talamasca
WHAT??? I hate you. And your stupid kit. :P

Ann
Oh man! I knew I'd spoil things up with some wacky clipart. But thanks!

Mone
Yesssss! *pumps fist* :D

True Jersey Girl
I swear you'll never see me on Maury. But you're probably right. I might (gigantic emphasis on might) just not resist a human bicep with mad guitar skills. :))

Shari said...

Darn! This was supposed to be my AF entry, which didn't get posted because I forgot to auto-publish it while I was getting drunk in the post-awards party.

Buti na lang, I know the tips and tricks. And I have the same defense kit by Tala. Haha :p

Debbie said...

you didn't fool me one bit..haha you won't get yourself knocked up by some random guy...not in a million years..i mean, you're WAY too smart for that kind of crap! haha!!! good one though...

anyway, i know it's kind of late..but i just watched THe Last Kiss...i didn't want it to end..omg, these are the kind of movies i want to see. it's just brilliant! but it wasn't an original though, i've seen the special features. it was from an italian movie, nevertheless it was awesome...totally worth it!

have you seen the other Zach braff movie? GArden State? is it any good?

yayam said...

i watched wrestlemania 23 last night..parang totoo! (lam ko naman hindi.hehehe..:p) hbk and cena had a very thrilling match.:p of course, undertaker will always be undefeated.:p

chase said...

I was really glued coz I really thought you were pregnant and all. Until I saw that huge April Fools sign. God I am easily fooled!

Kai said...

Shari
Ow. Well, my prank last year was the best by far, this one doesn't do my lying skills justice, especially with your stupid kits! :P

Debbie
You just KNOW me too well, don't you? Hehe, thanks, Deb! :) Oh man, I saw that movie too. I liked it, just because it had Zach Braff, but it was so disgusting! Like I can't help but think of all men being like that at one point of their lives. They're pigs!!! Ok, overreacting. But Joey suggested that the Italian version was way better. We should netflix it too! And yes, Garden State was SO much better than this one... And before I let you go, when in good heavens will you want to blog again???

Yayam
Love Batista but I really wanted 'Taker to win. That much kicked ass too!

Chase
Heehee, I'm sorry, dear. :D

Elaine said...

Omg. I hate this post. Sobrang nagshake ako as I read it. Mean, mean, mean!

Haha. Happy April Fools Day. Kahit na late na.

I'm finally back. Looking forward to reading more interesting reads like this. Missed you Kai. =)

missP said...

i soooo fell for it! i was thinking "how would she react if i asked for her baby?"...

pilya ka talaga Kai ;)

Alternati said...

Mean... mean...

I would've been more aware had I read this April 1st but reading it 5 days late... well all my defenses were down.

I'm alternati, and my ass just got Punk'd.

Shite!

Kai said...

Elaine
Ow, you really cared! Thanks :P

MissP
Hahaha, I'm sorry, MissP. Just celebrating ;)

Alternati
Oopsie! Glad I fooled you though, I figured you'd be one of the toughest, or one of those with "kits" :))

Laureen said...

yeah right, kai. haha.

didn't you pull a trick on us last year, too?

Kai said...

Laureen
Yeah, the "I'm lesbian" one. ;)