Monday, October 16, 2006

Mi Mama Drama

I was 3 years of age when I saw a random woman canoodling with my dad. I sat in a corner, screamed repeatedly at the top of my lungs, and interminably bawled my eyes out. Little did I know that this random person was no less than my own mother. She came to me with tears uncontrollably plastering her cheeks, desperately convincing me that she was her. I think I believed her, but that's all I could dig in my memory. I can't remember anything afterso.

My mom left me when I was 1. She decided to work in the middle east contrary to their plans of moving here in the states in the mid-80s. Earlier on, I didn't understand why would she pick a place completely unfamiliar to her, let alone without her husband and her newborn by her side, whereas she had an open ticket to the west side where her college friends and some relatives reside. I never knew why, not that I asked, but whatever her reason was, it only brought the family good things. But I guess, myself excluded.

She gave us everything...clothes, money, gadgets, and her presence. But still, I found a way to make her feel that she was a worthless mother. I started going out when I was 15, going home late even at school nights, hanging out until the wee hours of the morning during weekends, sleepovers left and right, party, disco, smoke, booze, all but illegal drugs. It went on for about 3 years, until I was kicked out of high school. It was one incident that could only wake me up, and at the same time, successfully target my goal...her misery. My mom came home that March in hopes of seeing me graduate, but on our ride home from the airport, of all places, I knew I just had to let her know. "Ma, hindi ako ga-graduate", her reaction was plainly heartbreaking. She didn't yell at me, never cursed, but looked devastatingly flabbergasted. I cried upon entering my room that night, although I never planned or wished to, but the inevitable realizition hit me hard in the head. Rebellion wasn't the perfect way to let her feel what I wanted her to feel. I could have been more respectful of who she really is in my life, and what she does for me. But I didn't.

Now, when we occasionally discuss it, she can't help but plague herself with guilt, which is painfully unjust and depressively unbearable for me. I know I'm responsible for making her feel that way, but it was all my fault. For all I know, she was wiping indian-food-smelling asses of baby Arabs just so she could bring us the best of life. And I only put it all to waste. I felt sorry, I was and still am sorry, but I had no idea how to make it up to her. In my quietest ways though, I managed to quit smoking, abandon party-ing, and continue on with school. For her and myself, I've grown to be a better woman, and a completely different person. With all the mishappenings in my life, and the lessons it hauled, and eventhough it doesn't sound right, I have her to thank for everything. She might have been away most of my time, but that wasn't cessation enough for her not to become the best mother she could possibly be for me and my brother. And for that, I'm forever sorry that I brought her tears over time, and that she wasn't blessed with the perfect daughter she dreamed to have. But hey, God is awesome. We're together now, happy as can be, and I just can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.


Happy Birthday, Mama!

19 comments:

charles ravndal said...

Wow what a beautiful entry, Happy Birthday to your mother Kai!

Kai said...

Thank you, Charles!

balikbayan_box said...

Happy birthday to your Mama. Im glad you were able to reconcile and reconnect again.

Im happy for you.

*hugs*

Debbie said...

awww...kai. you're the best daughter she could ever have. all those screw ups were part of a bigger and better plan for you and your family. it was a way to strengthen and test your love as a family. i believe that without those mishaps in our lives, we could never realize the things that we appreciate now. i truly believe that those things we go through whether good or bad is what we need to grow if we learn from it. the most important is your gratefulness and awareness of what your mother has sacrificed for you. such an inspiring story...God bless your mom with more years!

jassy said...

happy birthday to your Mom! sometimes we have to fail in order to learn. but what is important is that we bounce back after!

Jennie said...

happy birthday to your mom, kai! :) that was a beautiful entry. naiyak ako ;)

iskoo said...

makikibati na rin ako ng happy birthday. magkamukha kayo, parehong maganda :)

Kai said...

Balikbayan Box
Thank you!

Deb
I totally agree, Deb. It's tough to look back, but when I do, I can only feel proud the changes I've done for myself and my mother over the years.

Jassy
I'm glad to be able to bounce back. (:

Jennie
Aww, Jen. Thank you so much! (:

Iskoo
Parehong mataba, kamo, hehe. Thanks!

Kat said...

aw...what a beautifully written, poignant entry. don't blame yourself though. it's a fact of life that during out adolescence, we're wired to make mistakes, rebel and challenge our parents. and as we become young adults, that's when we start to learn and grow from our mistakes.

i'm glad you and your mom are so close now! like rory and lorelei :)

p.s. what do you have against indian food?! ;)

CheH said...

Very nice entry kai!For the very first time ,natulo luha ko sa pagbasa ng blog entry.Hugses & birthday greetings to your mom!And thanks for sharing this photo,kyut mo pala:)

Jaz said...

it's glad to know that you've got through those bitterness you had against your mom then.

happy birthday to your beloved mom!

ice_edge said...

I'm a mom myself, and if i have my kid appreciate everything that I did for her... I could never ask for more. I'm proud of you, girl. Your mom must be, too. :) You both are lucky to have each other. Happy birthday to your mom!

Oh, and by the way....

kai!!! *kurot cheeks!!!* hehe...

nga pala, I want to start on my template na.. how do i start with it? maybe you can give me nalang a template to begin with, and i can edit it or something.. thanks.. :)

HanAgiRL said...

Oh sweetie, forgive yourself and forget about the past. What's important is today and tomorrow. I always remind my daughter, you will never fully understand all thee things I do for you until you become a mother yourself.

Glad to hear that you and your mom are a-ok.

Vayie said...

Ow! This is just so heartbreaking! The role of Claudine Barretto in the movie Anak, suddenly came to mind. Not that you're as bad as her - but you know, Claudine's character did all of those stupid things to spite her mom, whom she felt neglected them at "nagpasarap lang sa Hong Kong". Mistakes are lessons learned the hard way. At least in your case, you acknowledged it.

Happy Birthday to your mom!

pseudochinai said...

i can relate so much to your post, i know how it is to have that kind of situation kasi.

this is a lovely post kai. happy birthday to your mom.

ingat lagi and God bless you and your family. Happy weekend!

Kai said...

Cheh
Mambobola! :p

Jaz
Thanks, sis!

Tricia
I believe that's what every mom would want. I wouldn't want my daughter to be like me too, or if she ever goes underneath the evil I had to go through, I could only hope she'd realize her mistakes as soon as I did.

And about the template, I'll do that. :)

Hanagirl
My mom always says that too. Maybe you're both right!

Vayie
Oo nga 'no? I've seen the film but never noticed the resemblance. Or maybe I was in denial, hehe.

Ate Clare
Thank you so much, Ate! *hugs*

Tani said...

happy birthday to your mom! :)

Laureen said...

awww. our moms will definitely love us unconditionally no matter how screwed up we get and how messed up our life becomes. you're so blessed to have a mom who understands. and for all the years you've been apart, there's a whole future ahead to make up for lost time.

happy belated birthday to your mom!

Kai said...

Kat
I know. And I'm glad I realized it before it's too late. Thanks for the words! And about Indian food. I love curry and all, but everytime I pass by an Indian restaurant or eatery, I can't be pleased with the smell. That's just it, hehe.

Tani
Belated thanks!

Laureen
Yeah. God can't be more amazing! Thanks. :)